


Lighter

by hawkeyeandthewintersoldier



Series: Bucky Barnes Bingo 2020 [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Bingo 2020, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Dissociation, F/M, Group Therapy, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Support Group, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:52:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27724417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hawkeyeandthewintersoldier/pseuds/hawkeyeandthewintersoldier
Summary: After he has had a bad week, Bucky talks to his support group and dissociates. It leaves him feeling a bit shaken and his girlfriend Natasha picks him up.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Series: Bucky Barnes Bingo 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026742
Kudos: 17





	Lighter

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Bucky Barnes Bingo 2020
> 
> Title: Lighter  
> Collaborator: Elle  
> Link: https://hawkeyeandthewintersoldier.tumblr.com/post/635856031276302336/lighter-buckynat   
> Square Filled (letter and number and prompt): K3, support group  
> Ship: Bucky/Natasha  
> Rating: Teen  
> Major Tags: Dissociation, Therapy, Bucky Barnes recovering, Established Relationship  
> Summary: After he has had a bad week, Bucky talks to his support group and dissociates. It leaves him feeling a bit shaken and his girlfriend Natasha picks him up.   
> Word Count: 1217
> 
> Note/Disclaimer: There is a small part where Bucky talks about Tony and Steve in a way that doesn't entirely favor them. I don't think it's bashing, but I wanted to warn people nonetheless. The point of these lines was that sometimes when you aren't feeling well, people can be difficult to deal with even if you do like them. I hope that comes across. 
> 
> Some of this is inspired by my experiences in group therapy. I don't know if all therapy/support groups are similar to my own experiences but decided to write about what was familiar to me. There is a scene in which Bucky dissociates written from Bucky's perspective. I hope I did it justice and feel free to skip this fic if dissociation is something you struggle with. I did not go into a lot of detail about the trauma Bucky must have experienced but it is implied. If that is something you struggle with reading about, please skip this story! No hard feelings <3 
> 
> Also, yay, my first Bucky/Nat fic. I hope people enjoy it!

Bucky had his doubts about going to the support group Sam told him about. Worried that he wouldn't relate to anyone or that people would think he didn't belong there because what he went through was so different. There wasn't anyone else in the world who had gone through what he had. Even Steve's situation was different. 

But when he arrived there for the first time people welcomed him. They didn't pretend to not know who he was, which was a big relief. Everyone there belonged, and that included Bucky. He learned that everyone's situation was unique. Even if people seemingly went through the same thing. 

He has gone to many sessions at this point. Has formed a bond with these people he shares with no one else. There is something beautiful about being able to talk about the worst thing that has ever happened to you and joke around the next moment. Something beautiful about sharing with people and caring about a group of people you only see once a week. It doesn't matter that they only see the group once a week because they always pick up right where they left off. It's incredible and it's helping Bucky a lot. 

He's had a bad week this week. Something triggered him on Monday, a random noise that took him back to when he was in Hydra's clutches, and it didn't improve after that. By the time his washing machine broke on Thursday, he was absolutely losing it. It's Friday now and he hopes things will improve after he talks about them during support group. 

They all sit in their usual spots in the circle. Each person says how their week has been and if they would like to share something with the group this week. Bucky is the last one to speak. 

"I didn't have a very good week, and I think it would be good to talk about it if I can," He says. 

"How about Gus goes first and then we listen to what Bucky wants to share," The woman who leads their group, Beth, says. 

The group agrees and Bucky listens attentively to what Gus has to say, even offers some helpful insights. The nice thing about being in a group was knowing you weren't suffering alone. That you weren't the only one losing it because a little too much had happened that week. 

Then it's Bucky's turn. 

"My week started wrong. On Monday I heard this noise while I was walking home from the store and it put me back to when everything happened. It was so vivid and painful. I didn't… I didn't hurt anybody but I damaged my arm? And it just wasn't good. So I had to go to Stark to fix it cause Shuri, she was busy, you know. And Stark… well I am really grateful he's willing to help after, you know, but he can be a lot sometimes. Especially when you're not in the right headspace. And I wasn't in the right headspace. Not for anything. Fought with Steve on Wednesday too. He can be… he means well. But sometimes it feels stifling. Made him cry. He pretends he didn't but I saw it," Bucky sighs deeply, "and I kept having nightmares. Then Nat had to leave on a mission, and she was back the next day, but I still hated it cause she's the only person I like to be around when things get bad. She doesn't push when it comes to this, you know? It's one of the reasons why I like dating her. And then on Thursday, the washing broke and I just lost it. Smashed it to pieces," He says, "and I'm not proud of that. Makes me feel like I am still what they made me. I just hate it. And I keep getting triggered and I just hate it." 

Bucky feels himself drift away. It has happened before. Usually when things become too emotional or when something else triggers him. He can hear what people say and see what they do but it doesn't register. Nothing registers. Nothing feels real. He's just floating around in space. 

"Can you tell me where you are Bucky?" Beth asks. 

Bucky squints, tries to focus, "Support group?" He says, not feeling sure of himself at all. 

"Very good. Can you tell me what day it is?" Beth asks. 

"It's… I'm at support group so that means it's Friday," Bucky says. 

"That's right," Beth says, "what are the names of your cats?" 

"Alpine and Liho," Bucky says, feeling more certain now. 

"Yes, that's right. Are you back with us now?" Beth asks. 

When Bucky nods, she continues to talk. Asks him why he dissociated and asks him more about his week. The group helps him look for positive moments among the many bad ones, something that Bucky still finds difficult. It's always easier to point at everything that went wrong and every mistake he made, rather than think of himself positively. 

They remind him that he didn't hurt anybody. That he still tried to do things around the house even though he was feeling terrible and that he still showed up to support group and that he was brave enough to be open about his experiences. It's very good to hear. 

Then they talk about things he can do differently next time and things he can do now to fix things. Like, figure out a way that makes it easier for him and Steve to communicate because sometimes it's like they are having two separate conversations. And being firmer about boundaries. They also talk about things he can do when things are starting to get bad so he calms down. The reminder of those things is very useful. 

The session wraps up and Beth checks in with him.

"Do you feel okay about walking home or do I need to call someone?" She asks.

"Can you… can you call Nat, please?" Bucky bites his lip. 

"Of course," Beth smiles, "I am proud of you Bucky. You did good today." 

Natasha arrives half an hour later. She kisses his forehead and asks him how he's feeling. He grunts a vague answer. Then she takes his hand and lets Beth know they are headed home. They don't talk on the way back and when they arrive at their apartment, they are still quiet. 

Natasha tells Bucky to settle down on the couch while she makes them dinner and puts the cats on his lap. He pets them and they purr. It's very soothing. Then Nat returns with dinner and they eat. Bucky doesn't really know what he is eating but it doesn't matter. He trusts Nat. He trusts that it's okay. 

After dinner, she puts the plates in the sink and tells Bucky to rest his head on her chest. She plays with her hair and goes into perfect detail about her new gun. They don't talk about Bucky dissociating. It's not what he needs right now. Right now, he just needs a distraction. Nat always knows how to provide one. 

She talks to him until he falls asleep. The next morning when he wakes up, his head still on her chest, he feels lighter. He has a feeling the coming week is going to be better. 

**Author's Note:**

> Say hi to me on tumblr or leave me prompts or asks? I am hawkeyeandthewintersoldier there too :)


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